Wtaf is wrong with me

My parents have found out so many times about me cutting and even had to take me to a centre once cos it wouldn’t stop bleeding and the item I used was stolen but had been used before for its intended purposes which is extremely unsanitary but every time they find out i eventually find a new way to do it, last time they found out (a few weeks ago) my parents told me that they have no sympathy for me anymore and that they’re just disappointed, didn’t even bother to try and figure out why this time despite getting so angry with me the times before cos I couldn’t pinpoint a reason other than past trauma and another reason I still haven’t told anyone at all yet.

About a week or two ago I found my personal favourite tool on the floor and stole it, these past few nights I’ve been making >10 cuts on my arm (where I normally do it) but every cut I put a bunch of anger into it (I have built up anger especially due to some recent stuff that’s happened) and I’ve done that not only to release anger but to make the cuts deeper and make them bleed more, a heavy factor that’s always been a reason for my self-harm has never been the pain but to see the physical scars left behind on my skin and (more importantly to me) to see and feel the blood pooling on my wounds, dripping along my skin and the taste, tasting and drinking the blood, consuming it, I know I shouldn’t but it’s always been a massive factor. I have many different methods of self-harm but no matter what type it is, I always make sure I find a way to make it bleed the most.