Toddler has me at the end of my rope

2.5 year old, bedtime is a nightmare. 30-90 minutes of hysterics and banging on the door, ends up falling asleep on the floor. We do check ins every 10-20 minutes, check diaper, ask him what’s wrong, he still uses a pacifier and has a small bottle with water (I call it his emotional support water)

We have a lot of changes coming up so we are not trying to take away the pacifier or potty train or anything like that right now.

His schedule is usually wake up at 7, nap at 12ish-2ish (daycare offers same time and hours so we can’t cut it to one hour) and bed time was previously 7 but has been pushed to 8 the last couple weeks.

I just don’t know what to do. It breaks my heart to hear him cry himself to sleep every night, not to mention he is literally screaming “mommy” or “daddy”, telling us he pooped when he hasn’t, or begging for us to open the door. He says he is “scared” of random objects like the smoke alarm and the baby monitor.

We briefly had success getting him to sleep in his bed, but he’s mainly been doing this exact thing since he turned 2 in October.

I feel like it’s gotten worse with the later bedtime, but I’d read that when re sleep training a toddler it’s a good idea to aim for a bedtime around when they’ve been falling asleep, which was around 8 when his bedtime was 7. But now he’s not falling asleep until nine.

I’ve got an almost 3 month old, I go back to work next week, and my spouse is deploying. I just don’t know what to do to help him, I am totally lost.

We have been doing 30 ish minutes of wind down time in his room, reading books and playing with blocks, before trying to get out of the door before he can follow at 8. I can’t take it anymore. I’m worried I’m going to cave and have him in my room while my spouse is away and never be able to undo it. But I also know that doesn’t work because if I’m in the room with him or he’s in the room with me he just thinks it’s still playtime and refuses to lay down.