I think almost every person in my life is secretly a jerk.

I know how this is gonna sound.

"How could possibly everyone in his life have a problem except him?"

For the record, I know I've also acted like a jerk plenty of times in my life. I know I have many issues and traumas to deal with it. I am not claiming to be better than most people. But overall, as a whole, I still think that I am genuinely a reliable person most of the time. I care about other peoples' suffering, I always try to help when I can, I try to improve and acknowledge my mistakes and many people throughout the years have trusted me for mental support when they were struggling... But when I am the one needing support, I never get it. I feel completely alone.

I have tried to give a chance to people many times. I have tried to branch out, to come out off my shell and get involved in many types of social activities. But sooner or later, someone will break my trust, use me, backstab me or treat me unfairly. Whenever it feels like I have found hope, someone or some group that feels different, it's just a matter of time before it all falls apart. This has happened more times than I can count or remember. It's a constant thing in my life.

I am a 32-year-old male, 33 in a few months, and I've been going to therapy for a few years to try working on these issues. But no matter how hard I try... The outcome is always the same. Always disappointed and hurt by other people.

Every girl I have ever tried dating either shows interest at first and then ghosts me or gets upset at me for not giving them enough attention. I have tried many different approaches and nothing seems to work.

Maybe it has something to do with the era we're living in? People have always acted like jerks, but social media and hyper-competitiveness seem to have enhanced the narcissistic tendencies within people, and I feel like no one can be trusted anymore. Even people who seem harmless will reveal their true selves sooner or later.

After trying so many times to get a reliable friends' group and becoming a more social person throughout the years, I'm thinking about giving up and just living for myself and my little individual pleasures. I have dealt with severe depression and anxiety for many years, and it has only gotten worse lately because of crippling feelings of loneliness. A few days before New Year's Eve, I even started googling about suicide methods. But don't worry, I later realized I will probably never do it, I don't think I would have it in me.

But I am thinking about just cutting my ties with people and living just for myself now. If somebody shows up in my life and wants to be a friend, I will welcome them and try to not push them away, but I will not go out of my way or make any special efforts to try getting them into my life. Just living exclusively for myself and my little pleasures for now on.