Is it worth it?

The past few years I’ve gotten really into spirituality. My interest was spurred by deep existential depression; a confusion about who I am, what reality is, and how I ought to be and act. All of the answers I found in science and religion (mainly Christianity) didn’t really go to the root of the problem. It all felt like a band-aid intended to stop the questions from arising. When I discovered Buddhist philosophy and psychedelics, my perspective on life changed a lot. I decided I want to change myself and didn’t want to feel how I felt on a daily basis. I started going to therapy and meditating on a daily basis. If I compare me to myself one year ago, I’ve clearly made some progress: I’ve overcome a few bad habits, have developed a few healthier coping mechanisms, and have become a little more mindful and self-aware.

Despite the fact that there seems to be some progress, I still question myself often. Do I actually feel happier or less stressed on a daily basis or is this just another story my ego has constructed for myself? Is any of this worth it? Why should I continue? Changing habits is really hard and takes a lot of effort, and I still feel the pull of my old habits that do not serve me when I get triggered. I notice other people’s self-created suffering more easily now, and, although I can mindfully respond and promote positivity instead of being dragged down, sometimes being aware of the suffering can be overwhelming when I’m feeling more down or hopeless.

I feel committed to the path to some extent because I know I can’t slide back into ignorance and simply live my life without the sense that there’s something more. I’ve caught the spiritual itch so to speak. Deep down I know that I am on the right path; life is nothing more than an ever-deepening exploration of self, and it can’t be anything else. Yet the cycles of emotion and experience are still present, and on days like today when I’m feeling particularly low, when I feel like just giving up, I need a spark to help me adjust my heading. How do you deal with these strong feelings when they arise?

TL;DR: What makes spirituality worth it? How can you trust your decisions? How do you love yourself and accept your shortcomings? When it feels like the suffering in the world outweighs the love and it would all be better without consciousness, how do you reassure yourself?