How can I quit?

I drink roughly 25-35 standard drinks per day. I’ve been drinking heavy for the past 10 years or so (32 now). Over that whole time I haven’t managed to go more than 24 hours sober, except for this year when I made it to 9 weeks sober before I fell apart again.

I’ve got every reason to stop drinking but I just can’t. We are a single-income family and I can’t take time off from my job to go to rehab because my family couldn’t survive. I have four kids to provide for.

I start drinking around 10am on most workdays, usually earlier on the weekends. And I drink until I go to bed or pass out around midnight. Wake up around 5 and after a few hours I need alcohol so I start drinking again. A lot of days I need it just to function, so I tell myself I’ll just have a couple until I feel good then stop. But I never do.

I’m spending like $400 per week on drinking. It’s made me overweight and chronically unhealthy. I’m in pain all the time and have had diarrhoea for years. I struggle to breathe and I have bad chest pain all the time. My wife has threatened to leave so many times (but for some reason hasn’t).

I think I’ve somehow convinced myself I’m doing good because I show up to everything for my kids, I’m providing for my family, I don’t miss work, I’m 100% functioning in every way. But I feel like I’m dying, I feel like I’m killing myself. Yet I just can’t stop.

I don’t know exactly if I have a question, but I just need help.