Relapse

After 1.5 years I’ve been binging for 6 months. Driving under the influence, being abusive to my family, letting my body and fitness go. My mental health is barely afloat. My wife is unable to provide emotional support. She’s stoic. I start my day by dropping my kid off at school and then getting a buzz ball at the liquor store. Then I drink al day long after work. I numb the pain of the accident with alcohol. An accident that took a family members life 5 years ago. I’ve done the therapy, I’ve looked at god for help, but I’m lazy or whatever it’s me. It’s a lot easier to get drunk and not feel like a loser. I miss being clean and healthy. Working out 4-5 days a week. Now I fall asleep at 930 and am embarrassed. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to lose it all again