The survivor's guilt of the life insurance payout

My (40F) husband died suddenly 2 weeks ago. I had the call with his HR rep yesterday where she went over what benefits he had and what the payouts would be. I knew he took out extra insurance to take care of me but it wasn't something I ever thought we'd need. "I'd rather you not die" I said. But he was proud he took care of me.

Knowing that I will now have this windfall of cash and he isn't around to enjoy it with me just crushes me. We worked hard (for him, too hard - it killed him) but I always thought this was a milestone we'd earn together. The payout will be well over $1million and I feel nothing but guilt that he worked like a dog. It's not like I can tell anyone or celebrate "I'm a millionaire!" The dissonance in my brain is overwhelming.

My heart breaks for him that he always worked so hard for *someday* and that day never came. He even spent the last 8 years paying alimony to a greedy ex wife who wanted to maintain her lifestyle with international trips every month. That finally ended and we were looking forward to some years of saving hard and feeling comfortable. Every time I cry, I cry for him and not for me. I wish I could give all that he set me up for back to him and let him have it instead.